Friday, March 7, 2014

When i noticed the chains



Each time i got up to move my thrashed soul
burdened, tired and deeply remorse,
For the largest part of my journey i would drag it,
push it, pull it but it wont just move forward.

Well this went on for a long long time,
until one day i noticed...

I noticed though in a dull, peeping light,
I was tied down,
Under heavy, rusted, ugly looking chains.
These chains were built especially for me,
of pain, of failure, of regret, of guilt, of lost inspirations, of judgement, betrayal, loneliness, disappointment,anger and sorrow.

I was shocked, nervous, desperate to get out of them,
so i shook my body really fast, 
till my bones started aching...

No use, in fact all that i tried worked against me,
the more i resisted, the more they grew on me,
the more i moved, the more they got hold of me.

I panicked, i cried, i shouted, by now i was desperate,
All this while i had not seen them, 
i didn't know about their existence,
but now i knew and i wanted to get rid of them.

I tried harder,
i became wild and my wilderness clearly fetched me no results,
the chains had wrapped themselves around me, 
i was almost breathless,
i was sure i will die.

Just when i lost all hope,
closed my eyes,
accepted my defeat,
i saw them loosening up on me.

I was surprised,
all this while when i was struggling,resisting, fighting, 
this did not happen.

It actually happened when i gave up,
when i was not desperate,
was not pretending!!

I have closed my eyes,
i am ready to feel the pain,
i will not shy away from hurt,
I am sore, wounded, bruised
but i wont't be chained!!!!!!










Tuesday, November 19, 2013

My confessions....face down hit!!!

Life comes wrapped in layers of wrappers - shiny, glittery, raw, rough, sticky, so on and so forth. As one goes on unwrapping them one by one, the experience of each one's touch, smell, look, feel has one unique feeling attached to it.

My life has been wrapped too in many such wrappers and each time i opened it there was always something in store for me. The only little or may be not so little problem was that i was still busy removing the glue of the previous packages, too engrossed in noticing the rough edges of the old wrapper and was still complaining about the paper cuts that had left their marks on my finger tips. "Old habits die hard", and this one i know is annoyingly the hardest one.

Why???
Well that's because the realisation of coming out of this unprecedented routine thought process happens when you have hit the rock bottom, not just once but many a times. May be the first time when you experienced it, you feel lost, tired, exhausted, betrayed, cheated and with the help from all the nice souls around, you finally emerge victorious - all positive, bright, shining!!

And that's it, you think problem solved - damn!!! - BIG MISTAKE!!!

Basically the little twitch of the happy moments was a break time and not the end of the journey, the road ahead is one that requires relentless efforts to face many, many and many more hard, painful, dark revelations about self, hidden facts, crazy situations - a fight within.

Since, you had sailed successfully the first time, well it's an assumption (in your head) that next time it will not happen and if at all something similar happens you will with a blink of an eye snap out of the morbid dream and dwell in the fantasy world before you even realise - damn!! - 2nd BIG MISTAKE!!!

When the bubble breaks, boom... a lot is at stake..A LOT!!

And here we go again, and this time it's way more tougher & harder cos this time the fight is multi dimensional - external, internal, peripheral.
The trickiest one is the one that goes within, because by now you know you can not undo anything, can not erase the spilled ink, putting a new wrapper will only stink more.

Initially it would have been fine to say that I can't do it!!, i am tired!!, there is no hope!! Well it's completely fine to experience all the shit... but well no matter what you do, all this and more will not give you extra heads, hands, legs, skills, talents, or a secret visit by an incarnation.

So, the only way to truly begin is to ACCEPT, accept your self, reflect, visit all those dark corners and light the lamp of courage & conviction. Yes, it is bloody TOUGH, back breaking, nerve cracking tough...

BUT,

It's worth it when you know that by the end of it, you will truly fall in love with yourself and will be ready to unwrap the amazing journey of life, without hooking back to pale, stuffy, claustrophobic burdens of past memories.










Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Cloud

With no sunlight peeping through,
in the gloomy shadows and reflections too,
i walk along the puddled pavements,
chasing the dark, in my solitude.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Blank Spaces

Journey through the wild tides,
melancholy wind whirls,
the terrains, the blank spaces,
in the company of solitude.

Here i walk, here i come,
skipping like a cotton candy,
dragging like a pile of woods,
through creeks and cracks,
in this life, may be for good!?

Melting in fire,
cold as ice,
surfing bliss,
thunders and hopes,
all that and more......

Am i lost in time,
or being cherished in memories,
covered in the blanket of irony,
to know or let go,
to say or just be silent,
dancing to the music,
the journey...called LIFE!!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Ironical Dichotomy

I am hopeful and lost,
happy but aghast..

I cry, i remorse,
But of course...
There are many reasons
and more.

I am stagnant,
but i also want to fly,
though my wings are cut,
wounded and deprived...

Of the fresh air,
the shining sun,
serene calm,
i never really intended any harm...

I want to live,
at least i want to try,
want to give it my best shot,
with many random thoughts.

Leave me,
or not,
Memories will remain,
believe it or not...

Let it be this way...
let it flow this way,
some tides high,
some low and left astray..



Monday, November 26, 2012

LET ME TRY

I walked and walked on that road,
unreal, doubtful, scary and cold.

I made my decisions, stood by myself,
at times easy and sometimes tough as hell.

I jumped, leaped, limped and crawled,
But never once can i recall,
a shadow of fear,
and an inner brawl.

I stand alone at the mercy of time,
waiting for the bail of an undisputed crime.

Never had i imagined how bitter and sweet this can be,
i know now for sure,
it is not easy.

One by one it all came to an end,
as of now, all i can do is repent.

Unacceptable and remorseful,
unbelievable and painful,
the loss of treasured identity,
is nothing but disgraceful.

I stand at the juncture of an untitled shame,
embarrassed and agonized,
pathetic and lame.

That reflection in the mirror is definitely not mine,
because as far as i remember,
it had beauty of courage and
and glory undefined.

Unlamented let me thrive,
strive till the end,
till i set this right.


Let me try...
Let me try.........




Tuesday, November 20, 2012

COLD TURKEY......

Condemn me with wrong,
charge me of crime,
sue me or not,
do whatever...i seriously do not mind.

Hurt, pain, grief and disappointment,
all that and more,
since i am the one who causes it,
since i am the one who does it...

then, y ask??

In empty spaces and unknown places,
in the depths and darkness of fear and agony,
i stand alone.

In fury and misery,
distress and treachery,
i stand alone.

then, y ask??

I am the one with aims, ambitions and ideas,
i am the one with disregard and shame,
i am the one which causes,
and i am the effect.

I am the drug that bothers,
and also the one that repairs...

I shout, scream and torture,
i am the bad one,
for now n forever...

I am the one that feels,
but may be its not true...

Every night n every single day,
Chills run down the spine,

all that can be said..
no one and can never
play ahead of time!!!